Here is another good confession that I think many of you may relate to: I haven't practiced in two weeks and finally hit rock bottom yesterday. But the great thing is that I figured out how to climb out of the dark depressing hole.
About two weeks ago something strange started to happen. I had been practicing pretty regularly on some new and some old songs. One of the new songs I was in love with since I was a teenager. I thought I was ready to learn it finally and set a goal and practice plan. However, after a couple of weeks I had not gotten past the first page and had begun to dread the practice time dedicated to this song. Soon, I started even to dread the whole practice session, even with songs I already knew. My fingers were just not moving correctly, I knew I was doing something very wrong because I started to experience pain and stiffness. At about the same time I was also working on the computer a lot more and my pinky started to hurt from guiding the mouse. Somehow I started to make the connection between using the computer and the inability to play (wrong reason by the way). As the days went by, I kept finding excuses to shorten my sessions and finally I stopped all together. Every time I passed the piano I felt a pang of guilt and that same hurt you feel when you ignore a loved one because it is too difficult to deal with them.
As the days went by I felt my hands stiffen, even with regular activities. My fingers weren't being used and stretched as they were accustomed to and my hands started to feel alien to me. At the same time I started becoming a little more depressed with no explanation. Nothing had changed in my life to warrant it. I even started to dread my piano lessons because I knew that with stiff fingers I couldn't perform well for my own students, thus embarrassing myself. How could I be a good role model when I didn't follow my own advice?
This past weekend I tried to reconnect with the piano, but it just wasn't happening. I just felt like we weren't friends anymore. Then yesterday I really felt like I hit rock bottom because I lost inspiration for all other activities and ended the night drinking some Sauvignon Blanc and watching "In the Bedroom", a very emotional movie, half of which I cried through and felt all my feelings. Finally when the movie was done and my face was swollen and red from crying, I got it.
I realized what had happened. I was not ready for that song but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I subconsciously knew that I would get nowhere for a long time, especially without any help from former piano teachers. I just had to put it away and it was ok to do that. There are a million other songs I can work on and build myself up to this one. It just wasn't time and by rushing myself into something I wasn't ready for, I had sabotaged everything else I was working for.
So if you ever feel this happening to you, you know what to do now...
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